


The Tale of Joker and Shepard

by Black_SPD_Ranger



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy, Mortal Kombat - All Media Types
Genre: Added in my characters cause head canon, F/F, F/M, Story done for fun, Uses Neurodolphin characters, it's fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28490223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Black_SPD_Ranger/pseuds/Black_SPD_Ranger
Summary: Joker wants to make love to his special lady, Commander Bailie Shepard.  But there's no way he can do it properly and not hurt himself.  He could get a cure for Vrolik syndrome, but that would take away his ability to fly well.  What can Joker do?
Relationships: EDI/Samantha Traynor, Jack | Subject Zero/Oriana Lawson, Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard, Kitana (Mortal Kombat)/Original Male Character(s), Liara T'Soni/Ashley Williams, Reginald Ranor/Kitana (Mortal Kombat)





	The Tale of Joker and Shepard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Neurodolphin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neurodolphin/gifts).



> I am using the characters of Neurodolphin and have added my own. I know it's a self insert into a fan story, but I was given permission to do so. Besides, Neurodolphin loves my Jack/Oriana stories so why not add Jack's family in. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I had writing it.

Joker sat on the edge of the medical bed. He had heard many things about this Doctor from several in Shepard’s squad so he wondered if she could help. She came in to assist Doctor Karin Chakwas so she told everyone. But those that knew him, knew she was here for the same reason. Doctor Kitana Ranor came to assist her husband Second Lieutenant Reginald Ranor in saving the universe from the Reapers.

At the moment, Kitana was holding a cylinder that was flashing and an open box that had lights going and making a lot of noise. She was staring at the box more than she was looking at him. It made him feel a little uneasy. But he didn’t want to argue with her genius, if she really was one. He just hoped she could come up with something that would still allow him to feel the ship move and yet be able to give Bailie the pleasure she deserved. She deserved so much and he could only give so little.

Finally Kitana closed the box and asked, “Have you talked with Doctor T’Soni about this?”

Joker shivered a bit. “No. Why would I? Besides, she’s been busy ever since her bond mate, Ash, returned to the ship.”

Kitana sighed and opened the box again. “This isn’t the first time I’ve seen something similar to this.”

Joker nodded. “Well I guess you have a few people with the same syndrome back home.”

Kitana looked at him this time and said, “Not really, no. A man I knew a long time ago had hollow bones. His name was Warren Worthington III.” She looked back at her box and frowned.

Joker shook his head. “You’re shitting me. You knew the Angel?”

Kitana smirked and said, “Archangel. His sister was the Angel. And she had the same mutation. Actually, he somehow went through a secondary mutation and his wings turned cosmic.”

Joker nodded. “Nice. So, is there anything you can do for me?”

Kitana frowned again and closed her box. “I can't.”

Joker sighed as he slid off the bed. “Should have known you were overrated.”

As he walked off Kitana said, “What you ask for is impossible!”

Joker turned to her and said, “I’d like to be able to give the woman I love the attention she deserves!” He sighed and folded his arms. “But to do that, I lose my ability to be the best pilot in the fleet, don’t I?”

Kitana nodded. “I might be able to talk to my husband to…”

Joker held up his hand and said, “Look, Doc, I don’t need some harness to help me out. I want to feel her against me. All of me.”

Kitana sighed as she put her box… tricorder Joker had to remind himself, on the table. She picked up a flat data pad and walked over. She hit a few buttons before turning it to him to look. On it was a picture of a woman with blonde hair. Her face had a pair of bumps that started at the corners of her hairline and met at her nose. She had no eyebrows and bumps on the sides of her eyes. She also seemed to be wearing some harness and was wearing a uniform. Next to the picture was a complete dossier.

Joker looked at it then looked back up at her. “Who’s this?”

Kitana smiled and said, “Commander Melora Pazlar. She’s the Chief Science Officer of the USS Titan.”

Joker sighed and handed her back the data pad. “Really? So why show her to me? Showing off the harness she’s wearing?”

Kitana shook her head. “Quite the contrary, Flight Lieutenant. If you had bothered to read her profile you would learn she’s Elaysian.”

Joker shrugged. “What does that mean to me?”

Kitana had to hold herself in. She had a bit of a temper, having spent ten thousand year in Outworld, thinking herself the daughter of Shao Kahn, and so she still has to fight that part of her. Even if it was four hundred years ago. “Elaysians' home world is a low gravity planet. She needs the harness to be able to function in normal gravity. Otherwise… her bones would be as brittle as yours.”

Joker looked at her for a moment then asked, “You want me to have zero-g sex with Shepard?”

Kitana giggled at that. “Not Zero-G. But we can lessen the gravity in the room to allow for you not to break anything. However, you can’t keep Shepard in there for more than three hours maximum at a time. Otherwise, she’ll end up getting the same Vrolik Syndrome as you.”

Joker looked at her then frowned. “I don’t know if I can put her through that.”

EDI came over the comms, “Jeff, if Reginald builds the gravity device through me, I can keep an eye on the time limit.”

Joker looked up and said, “EDI, you know how I feel when you watch us having sex.”

EDI replied, “Do you get offended when your cells split? You know it happens, but you don’t watch.”

Joker sighed and said, “Ok, I get it EDI.” He looked back at Kitana and said, “I hate it when she uses logic.”

Kitana smiled and said, “You don’t want to know the upgrades EDI asked my husband for.”

Joker shivered again and closed his eyes. “EWWWWWW! I have to work with her! I don’t need to hear about her having sex with Traynor.”

Kitana chuckled. EDI said, “I could give you details if it will make you feel better about me monitoring you, Jeff.”

Joker held his hands up and said, “NO!” He took a deep breath and said, “Alright. Alright, you can keep an eye on things if Bailie agrees.”

Kitana held up her glowing Omni-Tool. Bailie Shepard’s voice came over and said, “About damn time Joker. Been wanting to do this for weeks now.”

Joker sighed and hung his head. “I’m going up to the cockpit.”

Kitana chuckled and said, “You do that. I need to put a call into my daughter-in-law.”

Joker nodded. “Which one?”

Kitana chuckled. “Oriana.”

Joker looked confused and said, “I… I didn’t think she and Jack were married. Only engaged.”

Kitana smiled. “Don’t care. She’s Jack’s wife as far as I’m concerned. She’s my daughter as far as I’m concerned.”

Joker nodded and smiled as he walked off. 

As he lumbered out of the med bay, he could see Ash heading towards Liara’s room. He smiled and asked, “Going to spend time with your missus, Ash?”

Ash chuckled as she turned to him. “Yes. Got a problem with that, Joker?”

Joker shrugged and said, “Well you know what they say. “If you’re not safe you’re asari.”

Ash laughed and said, “That was bad Joker. Very bad.”

Joker pointed at her and said, “Made you laugh.”

Ash kept laughing as she headed into Liara’s room. Joker smiled to himself as he headed towards the CIC. 

After making it to his chair, he noticed EDI’s platform wasn’t sitting next to him. He looked up and asked, “EDI, where are you?”

Before he could finish, Bailie walked up behind him and smiled. She said, “She’s in my room with Reg, Tali and Sam. They’re installing the grav modifiers.”

Joker nodded and said, “Bailie… I’m sorry Doc Ranor couldn’t find anything…”

Bailie held up her hand and said, “Joker… Jeff, I already talked with her about it. She told me there was a way to cure you but it would take away from your ability to feel the ship when you fly. I couldn’t do that to you. You love flying as much as I do.”

Joker smiled and said, “Thanks, Bai. I… I don’t know what I was expecting.”

Bailie chuckled. “No matter the universe, no matter the time period, medicine is not magic. It can only go so far. I’m just glad there are people out there willing to share miracles with us.”

Joker nodded. “Hey, if Garrus could use their healing touch, why doesn’t he?”

Bailie chuckled and said, “He thinks his battle scars look sexy. I don’t think Tali agrees.”

Joker laughed at that. “When did Garrus turn into a krogan?”

Bailie laughed as well. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s always been a krogan in disguise.”

The two laughed heartily at that. Joker wiped a tear out of his eye and asked, “Is it wrong to be excited?”

Bailie shook her head and leaned down kissing him on the cheek. “I don’t think so.”

Joker smiled and said, “Well, maybe the first thing I’ll try is picking you up.”

Bailie laughed and rubbed the back of her shaved head. “I think we should have Doc Ranor and Doc Chakwas there just in case something breaks.”

Joker rolled his eyes. “You wound me Bailie. But I getcha. Still, we gotta test it somehow.”

Bailie nodded and said, “We sure do. Think I’m going to go check on how things are going.”

Joker smiled and said, “I knew it! As much as you like flying, you like watching engineers work!”

Bailie laughed at that. “Well they do keep my ship working so you can fly it.”

Joker tilted his hat to her and said, “That they do, Bai. That they do.”

Bailie smiled as she walked off heading towards the elevator to take her to the Captain’s Cabin. Once there, she saw Reg, Tali and EDI hard at work at different locations in her room. Sam was sitting on the bed looking over a data pad. Tali said, “Reg, you’ll need to change the variance from two point seven to two point nine.”

Reginald shook his head and said, “Won’t do any good, Sam. At least not until I’m synched with Tali’s calculations.”

EDI added, “Samanatha, your numbers are appreciated, but you are at least five steps ahead of our current progress.”

Sam blushed and said, “Sorry about that. Just been sitting here running the numbers since we began. Maybe I’ll check through them again.”

Tali nodded and said with a smile in her voice, “It always helps to check the numbers at least two or three times.”

Sam sat up a little straighter as she said, “I’ve checked the numbers three times Tali. I guess four or five wouldn’t hurt.”

Bailie let out a laugh and said, “Boy you guys really are engineers, arguing over the smallest things.”

Reginald held up one of his tools and pointed at her. “The smallest things are what keep this ship running Commander.” He chuckled and readjusted his glasses on his face before turning back to what he was doing. EDI stood up and walked to another part of the room, kneeled down and started adjusting things with her tools.

Tali turned to Sam and asked, “What’s the covariance of the gravitational pull?”

Sam looked at her numbers and said, “Seventy-two point four one three.”

Tali frowned and it came out in her voice as she said, “That should be point four one one. I’ll fix it.”

Bailie moved up and sat down by Sam. “So how long do you think this will take, Sam?”

Sam chuckled. “I don’t know. We have three geniuses working on it. And do you see Reginald working with Star Trek tools? I mean I still can’t believe he comes from a universe where Star Trek is real?”

Bailie chuckled. “Oh yeah. So did he give you a phaser to protect yourself with?”

Sam reached in her pocket and pulled out a small silver tool that looked like a thin version of an old remote control. “He gave me a flipping type one phaser!”

Bailie smiled and said, “Enjoy it.” The two turned back to watch the three work.

After a few minutes, EDI said, “Reginald, I am noticing a spike in power output.”

Reginald tapped the side of his glasses and said, “Damn, I thought I compensated for that. No other choice.” He reached inside his pants pocket and pulled out a long cylinder tool with a red circle at the top and a smaller black cylinder pointing outward on one side and black cone on the other. He pulled down on the middle part and a sonic vibration came out of it. They heard it as a higher pitched whining/buzzing sound. Reginald let go of the middle then asked, “How’s that?”

EDI nodded and said, “That’s better Reginald.”

Sam’s eyes went wide. “A sonic screwdriver?! HE HAD A SONIC SCREWDRIVER!”

Reginald held it up and shook it between his index finger and thumb. “A gift from a friend. Called himself the Doctor.”

Bailie had reached over and grabbed a pillow. She handed it to Sam who put it over her mouth before squealing like a little girl. Bailie laughed.

EDI turned to look and actually had a smile on her robotic face. “My little geek.”

Sam blushed as she sat the pillow back down.

Reginald tossed her the sonic screwdriver and said, “Hold onto this until I need it.”

Sam caught it and held it reverently. She looked at it and mouthed, “WOW!”

Bailie chuckled and wrapped her arm around Sam, hugging her. She said, “You are such a geek, Sam.”

Sam nodded and sighed. “I do hope Joker appreciates this.”

Bailie smiled and said, “I think he will.”

Sam nodded then turned to look at Shepard. “So, Commander, don’t tell me you keep the scar because you think it’s sexy like a krogan does?”

Shepard chuckled as she ran a hand along her scar. “Not really. Intimidating maybe, but this reminds me of where I came from. Kinda why I didn’t want to get rid of it when I got rid of the other scars Cerberus gave me when they brought me back to life.”

Sam nodded and said, “I can understand that.”

Bailie gave her a dirty smile as she added, “Besides, I like it when Joker licks it.”

Sam shoved her playfully. “Ewww. I didn’t need to know about your sexual habits with a guy. Now if it was with a girl… maybe I’d want the details.”

Bailie giggled and shoved Sam back playfully. “As Jack would say, perv.”

They then heard Jack’s voice come from near Reginald say, “I heard that, Shepard.”

Bailie’s eyes went wide. “Jack? Your dad have you on comms?”

A green flat data pad floated up before turning into a green Jack. The energy was linked to Reginald’s right ring. Jack smiled and said, “Kinda. He’s talking to me from his ring. I tried calling him over our comms, but he said using his ring would be easier.”

Bailie smiled. “So you know what your dad is helping do for me and Joker?”

Jack nodded as she walked over and sat down beside Bailie. “Ok, this is still odd. Then again, it’s no more odd than holograms. Anyways, for what dad is doing for you and Joker… actually that’s pretty cool.”

Bailie and Sam both looked at her surprised. Bailie asked, “Really?”

Jack smiled. “Yeah. My dad is always helping people. Hell, if he didn’t, I wouldn’t have been rescued when I was seven.” She smiled as she turned and looked at him. She snorted and said, “You know, I wish he had found me when I was in prison, but after hearing what you’ve had to deal with the Reapers, and not being able to find Purgatory… well, I can really understand what my dad has been doing.”

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. He really is a hero.”

Jack smiled when Oriana showed up sitting next to her. Oriana chuckled and said, “Had a delightful conversation with your mum.”

Jack chuckled as Bailie leaned over and asked, “Did she give you the safe sex talk?” She then started laughing.

Oriana leaned forward and replied, “We’ve been having sex since I was fourteen, Shepard. I think we’re way beyond the safe sex talk.”

Everyone stopped working and turned to Jack and Oriana.

Reginald looked at Jack and asked, “Jack…? Something you wanna tell me?”

Jack rolled her eyes and said, “I told you about it years ago. Don’t give me that look.”

Reginald chuckled and went back to work.

Bailie laughed. “And I thought me talking about my sex life was wild.”

Oriana rolled her eyes. “Oh please. If you want to make fun of our sex life, I can give as good as I get. Miranda blames Jack for that.”

Jack smiled. “It’s true.”

Reginald said over his shoulder, “I blame Jim.”

Jack laughed and said, “Yes.”

Bailie smiled watching this. As she listened to the banter between father and daughter, she wondered if she could have had that kind of relationship if her father were still alive. Hell, what Bailie wouldn’t have given for that kind of relationship with her foster fathers. And Jack was adopted. The fifth adopted child after having ten kids on their own. When Bailie found out Reginald had a family back on the first Normandy, he would spend hours talking about each one of his children like he loved them all equally. But she could tell the one he called Karone, a green skinned Orion girl, was his favorite child. But he gave the same amount of love to each child, no matter if they were adopted or not. 

As she thought about it, she made a promise to herself. When she and Joker had children, they would get the same love and attention that Reginald gave his children. She would make sure they knew that momma didn’t play favorites and that they would be comfortable around her.

Bailie was shaken from her thoughts when Reginald called out, “Done.”

Tali stood up and said, “Good over here.”

EDI repled, “I am finished as well.”

Sam looked at her data pad and said, “The numbers check out, we should be good to go.”

Jack smiled and said, “Well I guess that means our time is up. Actually I gotta get back to my knuckleheads anyway. It was good to talk with you all again.” She stood up and walked over to Reginald. She hugged him tight and said, “See you later, dad. Give mom a hug from me, will ya?”

Reginald smiled and said, “Sure thing, kiddo. Now go have fun.”

Jack laughed as she and Oriana faded out.

EDI moved up to Sam and helped her up, pulling her close and hugging her gently. Sam moaned to the touch.

Tali moved up to Bailie and asked, “You want to call Joker up?”

Bailie nodded and brought up her Omni-Tool. “Hey Joker, you wanna come up?”

Joker chuckled and said, “Be right up.”

After a few minutes, Joker lumbered in and asked, “What’s up?”

Bailie turned to EDI and nodded. EDI said, “Activating now.”

As soon as she did, Joker felt a bit lighter. He said, “Woah, this is… wow.”

Bailie walked up and hugged Joker. He smiled and lifted her up. As soon as he did, he noticed his bones didn’t break. His eyes went wide. “They did it.”

Bailie smiled and kissed Joker and hugged him close. She pulled back and said, “Wow. I’m not hurting you.”

Reginald smiled and said, “That’s the idea. Well, we’re out of here.” Reginald, Tali, EDI and Sam head out the door leaving Joker and Bailie alone.

Joker pulled Bailie close and kissed her hard to share a lovers embrace.

THE END


End file.
